Check your Unconscious Agreements, Daily!

“There are thousands of agreements you have made with yourself, with other people, with your dream of life, with God, with society, with your parents, with your spouse, with your children. But the most important agreements are the ones you made with yourself. In these agreements you tell yourself who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave. The result is what you call your personality. In these agreements you say, “This is what I am. This is what I believe. I can do certain things, and some things I cannot do. This is reality, that is fantasy; this is possible, that is impossible.” -Dr. Miguel Ruiz

This is what I run up against in much of my work. Not only with clients, but also with myself. The basic unconscious agreements we all run, domesticated into us by our culture and parenting have a huge impact on the path of our lives, our health and happiness. They are not easy to see, being unconscious; the water that we swim in, but the results in our experience are obvious. For most of us we struggle with certain things constantly; money, health, relationships etc. Outward events seem to impact us almost randomly. “…Make the unconscious, conscious or it will direct your life….” There are ways to work with this and the first step is realizing how your unconscious is running you most of the time.

Address your (inner) Parents

 

“At some point, I imagine it’s when you find your significant other, your partner, that you really begin to address your parents in you [laughs]. You try to change these behaviors that are just mimicked from childhood.”

Ani Di Franco-

Lets state the obvious. Your parents were your first training in how to be in intimate relationship at your most core level. They will be present “for better or for worst” in every scene with your partner. Unfortunately, much of that training is parent to child and though often loving it can also have element of manipulation, coercion, shaming, helplessness and fear (common domestication strategies).

They can be puppeteers working behind the curtain of the unconscious or they can be brought out of the shadows and faced. If you don’t, they will likely run much of your relationship. Just ask you partner and they can often tell when they are talking to your Father or Mother. It has a feel.You are not your parents, you can outgrow  them, Keep what serves and release or change what does not. It takes work, forgiveness and unrelenting consciousness.

If you do that work though, you can break the chains of the past and remake a relationship without shame, coercion, manipulation or fear. An extraordinary relationship. An extraordinary future.

Now here is some food for thought. A vow to a partner: “It is my promise to you to be as happy as I can be, no matter what, and I will never hold you responsible for the way I feel. Nor will I allow you to hold me responsible for the way you feel.”
Esther Hicks

How would your relating change? Would you be able to learn to differentiate enough to be with another’s feelings, no matter how strong, and not take responsibility for them? Support, sympathy, compassion, yes. But empower and trust them to process and move through their own stuff to reach for their own equanimity, at least, if not happiness. Would you be able to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and process and to courageously share them responsibly? Happiness and satisfaction are inside jobs. No one can make you happy (or any other emotional state) if you aren’t able or willing make the effort yourself.

The “secret” technique to a healthy loving relationship

heart_chakra2 copy

The “secret” technique (hahaha) to a healthy loving relationship is not just to love yourself ( I have often said that you can only love and accept someone else to the degree that you love and accept yourself) but to truly love and accept life, the process of living and dying, the swooping ups and the crashing downs, the everything of it all as best you can. Not at all likely from inside a frightened ego box. But fortunately, you don’t have to be perfect in your love of all to get it. Perfection is not required, just awareness/awakeness. Its a journey to love with no end.
—Shivoso’s Quixotic Dream

The best way to prepare for a Big Shift: Rob Brezeny

The best way to prepare for a Big Shift is to cultivate mental and emotional states that ripen us to be ready for anything:

* a commitment to not getting lost inside our own heads;

* a strategy to avoid being enthralled with the hypnotic lure of painful emotions, past events, and worries about the future;

* a trust in empirical evidence over our time-worn beliefs and old habits;

* a talent for turning up our curiosity full blast and tuning in to the raw truth of every moment with our beginner’s mind fully engaged;

* and an eagerness to dwell gracefully in the midst of all the interesting
questions that tease and teach us.

Everything I just described also happens to be an excellent way to prime yourself for a chronic, low-grade, always-on, simmering-at-low-heat brand of ecstasy — a state of being more-or-less permanently in the Tao, in the
groove, in the zone.”
Rob Brezeny

Pema Chodron: THREE-STEP PRACTICE

THREE-STEP PRACTICE by Pema Chodron

“First, come into the present. Flash on what’s happening with you right now. Be fully aware of your body, its energetic quality. Be aware of your thoughts and emotions.

Next, feel your heart, literally placing your hand on your chest if you find that helpful. This is a way of accepting yourself just as you are in that moment, a way of saying, “This is my experience right now, and it’s okay.”

Then go into the next moment without any agenda.

This practice can open us to others at times when we tend to close down. It gives us a way to be awake rather than asleep, a way to look outward rather than withdraw.”

(From Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change)