Now here is some food for thought. A vow to a partner: “It is my promise to you to be as happy as I can be, no matter what, and I will never hold you responsible for the way I feel. Nor will I allow you to hold me responsible for the way you feel.”
Esther Hicks

How would your relating change? Would you be able to learn to differentiate enough to be with another’s feelings, no matter how strong, and not take responsibility for them? Support, sympathy, compassion, yes. But empower and trust them to process and move through their own stuff to reach for their own equanimity, at least, if not happiness. Would you be able to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and process and to courageously share them responsibly? Happiness and satisfaction are inside jobs. No one can make you happy (or any other emotional state) if you aren’t able or willing make the effort yourself.

The “secret” technique to a healthy loving relationship

heart_chakra2 copy

The “secret” technique (hahaha) to a healthy loving relationship is not just to love yourself ( I have often said that you can only love and accept someone else to the degree that you love and accept yourself) but to truly love and accept life, the process of living and dying, the swooping ups and the crashing downs, the everything of it all as best you can. Not at all likely from inside a frightened ego box. But fortunately, you don’t have to be perfect in your love of all to get it. Perfection is not required, just awareness/awakeness. Its a journey to love with no end.
—Shivoso’s Quixotic Dream

The best way to prepare for a Big Shift: Rob Brezeny

The best way to prepare for a Big Shift is to cultivate mental and emotional states that ripen us to be ready for anything:

* a commitment to not getting lost inside our own heads;

* a strategy to avoid being enthralled with the hypnotic lure of painful emotions, past events, and worries about the future;

* a trust in empirical evidence over our time-worn beliefs and old habits;

* a talent for turning up our curiosity full blast and tuning in to the raw truth of every moment with our beginner’s mind fully engaged;

* and an eagerness to dwell gracefully in the midst of all the interesting
questions that tease and teach us.

Everything I just described also happens to be an excellent way to prime yourself for a chronic, low-grade, always-on, simmering-at-low-heat brand of ecstasy — a state of being more-or-less permanently in the Tao, in the
groove, in the zone.”
Rob Brezeny

Pema Chodron: THREE-STEP PRACTICE

THREE-STEP PRACTICE by Pema Chodron

“First, come into the present. Flash on what’s happening with you right now. Be fully aware of your body, its energetic quality. Be aware of your thoughts and emotions.

Next, feel your heart, literally placing your hand on your chest if you find that helpful. This is a way of accepting yourself just as you are in that moment, a way of saying, “This is my experience right now, and it’s okay.”

Then go into the next moment without any agenda.

This practice can open us to others at times when we tend to close down. It gives us a way to be awake rather than asleep, a way to look outward rather than withdraw.”

(From Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change)

A COMMUNICATION LANDMINE TO BE AWARE OF IN RELATIONSHIPS

The Unconscious Drama Triangle

I would like to introduce to you a concept first proposed by Dr. Stephan Karpman then adapted by Clinton Callahan in his book Radiant Joy, Brilliant Love (highly recommended!). This information has radically changed the way I interact with anyone, especially my intimate partner.

The truth of the matter is that much of our communication can be, and often is, centered around an unconscious victim stance. This seems counter to what we think we are doing when we speak, but it is so pervasive and integrated that we don’t usually even notice that we are engaging in it.  Any unconscious communication that involves complaining, blaming, resenting, justifying, making others wrong or making ourselves right comes from a victimized stance.  Really listen to yours and others conversations and note how often these elements come up. It’s basically the adversarial Good Guy/Bad Guy/Victim plot we see in most media, politics and culture around us. It’s a way of pushing away our responsibility for our state of being or conditions and making someone or something else responsible for it.

When a person takes this Victim stance then another person/group or thing is then assigned, according to the script, one of two roles, either the Rescuer or the Perpetrator. Now the Rescuer is tricky because of  a persons natural urge to help (“I can save you!”) may be coming from a root of fear (“I am afraid you can’t handle this on your own and/or I need you to be OK so I can be OK”). The Perpetrator (“Its your fault!”)  is slippery too because once blamed then the Perp can transform himself/itself or herself into the victim (“no its NOT!”). One more part of this pattern is that the Victim can make the Rescuer into the Perpetrator (“You didn’t do it right!”) which is one reason why rescuing is such a precarious enterprise.

There are almost infinite variations and levels of sophistication on how these roles occur in people’s communications but it gives the Victim an unconscious sense of power and control because they can assign roles without taking personal responsibility for resolving, or facing their part in, the issue. In essence this pattern can go ‘round and ‘round, spinning without any growth or going anywhere as Rescuer becomes Perpetrator becomes Victim. It is a self-generating drama scheme that distracts everyone from the root causes of, and solutions to, the situation.

Now I am not discounting our very human need to discharge negative energy out of our body (“Ah, F**K!!”) and our vocalizing (fifth Chakra) is a very effective way to do that. It is crucial though to do it responsibly: Minimize the negative expressions around your intimate contacts and learn to respect the other persons space by asking permission if you gotta blow (“ Hey, some crazy Sh*t went down for me today.  Is it Ok for me to vent with you?”). Realize that your intimate connections are not a free dumping ground for your tensions. In fact doing that is effectively spreading salt in the garden of your relationship. Also, it is vital to find alternate ways of venting the toxic emoting; Exercise, screaming into a pillow, writing it all down and burning it, meditating, etc., etc. And then talk about it responsibly in order to create solutions if it is in your sphere of influence.

There ARE responsible ways to communicate things that need to change or be addressed.  It takes an awareness of what your intended outcome for the communication is; irresponsible discharge of internal tension or responsible communication of ones internal truth.